Conversations With A Mad Man

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Slamming the Front Door

Posted by Tsach Gilboa on June 22, 2011 at 7:12 PM

Slamming the Front Door

For the longest time the apartment below me was vacant. I live in a ten-unit two-story apartment building, built in the 50’s, with thin walls and noise magnifying materials. As a result of which, all human activities are shared via sounds and smells. From walking on the hardwood floors below in a heavy-footed elephant manner, to music too loud, to yelling verbal intercourse–face-to-face and on cell phones indoors and outside in the common areas–to the real passionate or just loud intercourse, to shower and other bathroom uses, to cooking and the favorite BBQ, which in these close quarters requires us to close all windows and doors until the smells of lighter fluid and smoke are gone.

So! Not having neighbors was a nice break. At least that one portion of the ongoing orchestra and noise arrangement was thankfully absent. Then THEY moved in! Two lovely and young women, fresh out of a sorority with the exuberance and silliness of the young, and, they proceeded to have a party first weekend in, which made me escape into my bedroom in the back and put earphones on (I have reached that age where noise is an issue). That helped somewhat, but then the heavy walking started downstairs.  A small earthquake magnified in the crescendo of FRONT DOOR SLAMMING, which literally shook the walls and windows like a sonic boom. I went outside on the upstairs walkway, and as a lovely young lady below attempted to walk away, gently inquired if she would mind “NOT SLAMMING THE DOOR?” She smiled a smile that made me long for my youth and said: “Of course, I’m sorry ☺”. Again, longing for my youth and the ease of coupling days, I nostalgically remember–as if they were yesterday–I walked back into my apartment, back into my bedroom and earphone and invited Ella Fitzgerald to fill my soul with bliss.

As I expected and predicted, the Door Slamming continued in the next days until, with no end or option in sight, I drafted and posted on the downstairs apartment door the following “Door Closing Procedure”:

Door Closing Procedure

As is considerate and appropriate when living in an older apartment building where walls are thin and building stability and sound proofing inadequate, all tenants should adhere to the following Door Closing Procedure:

1. While leaving the apartment–After exiting the apartment, pull the door gently towards yourself while turning the doorknob till door fully shuts, with little or no sound. Then lock the door.

2. While entering the apartment–Reverse the process. After entering the apartment, gently push the door closed while turning the knob till door fully shuts, with little or no sound. Then lock the door.

While it is understandable that a tenants door might slam loudly shut on occasion, shaking the building and risking shattering windows and the distress and heart attack of your neighbors–like in a tornado or abnormally powerful gust of wind–One should always strive to conduct oneself in a quiet, peaceful and harmonious manner and always consider that other people live here as well. For clarification and/or a demonstration of these techniques, free of charge, please see Apartment #9. We thank you for your anticipated cooperation

Best,

Your friend and neighbor

I was rewarded for my creative initiative and spectacular sense of humor, with an invitation to drinks Friday evening. As it is Wednesday, I am heading to the gym, to be followed by a massage and haircut, in preparation for what is sure to be a delightful and friendly evening engagement with youth.

Categories: Apartment Living - A Survival Guide

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2 Comments

Reply Tsach Gilboa
8:07 PM on July 6, 2011 
A nice bottle of Pino Noir, good for the heart in more ways than one!
Reply Classy Sassy
6:50 PM on July 6, 2011 
i love waht you are doing. More men AND women need to be here. We'll talk more.

As to the above...What did you bring them for a house warming gift and invite??? All that young talent